On a funeral earlier this month, Mr Ginder who was conducting the formalities, was approached by the great-grandson of the deceased, aged no more than five or six, and was told, “I’m going to a party, a goodbye party”. This was clearly the message the child’s family had shared with the little boy, which in this instance had proved very effective, as the child was very well behaved, polite and respectful.
This however raises the question of whether to bring a child to a funeral. It can be one of the most emotionally complex decisions a grieving family faces. There is no universal right or wrong answer; the decision is deeply personal and depends on the child’s age, maturity, relationship with the deceased, and, crucially, their own wishes.
For many years, the default was often to shield children from the experience. However, modern bereavement support suggests that inclusion, choice, and preparation are key to helping children process loss in a healthy way.
The Power of Being Included
Funerals are an important ritual for saying a final, symbolic goodbye and accepting the reality of a death. For a child, being excluded can lead to confusion, feeling shut out of a significant family event, or a frightening sense that something is being hidden from them.
In contrast, attending a funeral, when properly supported, can be a valuable step in their grief journey. It validates their sadness, honours their relationship with the person who died, and helps them understand that death is permanent. When they look back as adults, they will remember being included in a moment of great family significance.
Making the Decision: Choice and Preparation
The most important factor is giving the child a genuine choice.
- Age-Appropriate Honesty: Use simple, clear language. Avoid confusing euphemisms like “passed away” or “gone to sleep.” Say: “Grandpa’s body has stopped working, and he has died.” Explain what a funeral is: a special gathering where people remember the person and say goodbye.
- Explain the Experience: Prepare them for what they will see, hear, and feel. Explain that some people will be crying and very sad, but that is a normal way to express love and grief. Describe the setting, the presence of the coffin, and the sequence of events (music, readings, burial or cremation). If the funeral has an open casket, prepare them for what the person’s body will look like—still and quiet.
- Offer an Escape Route: Assign a trusted adult—someone who is not the primary mourner—to be the child’s ‘buddy.’ This person’s sole job is to sit with the child and be ready to quietly leave the service or wake if they become overwhelmed, bored, or restless. This assurance provides immense comfort.
- Give Them a Role: Involvement can be empowering. This doesn’t mean standing at the front. It could be helping choose a song, drawing a picture to place on the coffin, handing out the order of service, or simply carrying a special toy. A sense of purpose can ease anxiety.
If a child chooses not to attend, that choice must be respected. There are many other meaningful ways to say goodbye, such as lighting a candle at home, releasing balloons, or planting a tree.
The experience of grief is unique for every individual, and that includes children. By offering them honesty, preparation, and control over their attendance, we empower them to grieve openly and understand that they are safe, loved, and supported, even in the face of death.
